You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
