u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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