That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
