she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
