I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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