You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
