i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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