Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
