when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
