I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
