Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
