I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
