I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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