It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Randomize
