We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
