Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just invented taco cereal.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
