im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
