mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
