I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
