how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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