I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
