Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize