My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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