I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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