On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
