Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
