Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
