So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
