I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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