I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
