Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
