how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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