you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
