remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm at about main and main street
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
