Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
