I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
