He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he puts the penis in happiness.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
