Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
