i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
