"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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