Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Come on in and take your pants off
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