I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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