ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize