areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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