seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
