If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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