I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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