Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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