apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize