I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
