she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
