Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
