There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
