I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize