I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
