if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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