just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
