How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize