I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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