I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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