forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
