You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
