I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
