the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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