saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
