captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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